Do You People Please? - 3 Steps to change it now

The desire to people please often comes from a number of places.

1. We don't want the discomfort of disappointing others
2. We want to be part of something
3. We want to be perceived as nice
4. We want to be perceived as competent
5. We want to maintain a particular status​

And I could go on.

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​I'm not talking about pleasing from a perspective of genuinely wanting to make some else happy. I'm talking about pleasing form the perspective of agreeing to do or be part of something when if all is stripped bare you'd rather decline. That's people pleasing. What we don't actively consider is that in saying yes to others against our better judgement we're doing a disservice to ourselves. When we chose to please others against our preference we unconsciously send a message to ourselves that we don't value or choices, that our thoughts and opinions are not that important.

When  we say yes when we really want to say no , we place those people and things on a higher priority than our goals. We in effect say, you are more important than anything else I want for my life right now. You didn't see that coming, did you?  In simply saying yes to someone or something, you didn't consider that you were trading off in that moment your own hopes, dreams , resource and plans for your day , life etc

Whenever you're people pleasing, you shut the door to something potentially beautiful or fulfilling for yourself. And if you people please long enough, you will significantly limit your full potential and opportunities because you'll be living for others and not yourself. You'll be helping make other people's goals and plans a reality and significantly failing on yours. Worst of all, when you consider that part of the reason you people please in the first place is to discharge the discomfort of disappointing others, by people pleasing you amplify feelings of animosity towards others and yourself so truly, it's a losing game either way.

People pleasing on a grander scale is the silencing of your voice. It steals your ability to choose what you desire for yourself. People pleasing keeps you quiet from fully expressing what you want and who you are.opk

So what should you do instead?

I thought you'd never ask?

Pretty much all humans are plagued with the dilemma of people pleasing, but by bringing awareness, you significantly minimize your chances of doing that. So if you're prone to people pleasing here are 3 practical steps that can begin to shift that pattern so that you can claim  your life back.

1. Break the Pattern. Always ask to come back to people when you're asked to doing something. Either say, "let me come back to you on that" or if it's something that needs a quick response, respond with "give me a minute please". Asking for some time is both about giving you time to think and breaking you out of the pattern of  responding impulsively. It brings awareness to the situation so that you're not mindlessly saying yes. You may feel awkward about it but it's OK. You've conditioned yourself to saying yes without fully thinking it through so changing your conditioning and not being the "miss saying yes" will feel strange both to you and others who are used to you saying yes.
2. Honour your opinion, thoughts and values. If people ask you to do something that is contrary to your opinion, value and thoughts instead of saying yes to avoid being awkward or different, gracefully decline. Your thoughts, values and opinion matter and should be prioritized over others. If you think, of course they do! Da! Remember that next time when you're asked to see a show which everyone is raving about but you consider absolutely senseless. Nonetheless you go anyway.
3. Be intentional with your day, your time and your life. If you're not intentional with your time others will make decisions for you. Be clear both on what you want to do and what you don't want to do. That way you can recognise both when someone shows up with a request. I imagine you're reading this because you want to be better. If so, this is how. Your time will be used either way so it may as well be used intentionally to achieve your own goals and plans for your life not others.

I hope you'll go out there and start "being strange" by breaking the pattern, honouring your thoughts, values and opinions and by being intentional. I'm routing for you!
To your new strange self :-)

Christiana