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Relationships affect a huge part of our lives and it's normal to feel like the rug has been pulled from under your feet when you experience something as life changing as divorce.
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I want to share with you some steps that can help you begin to reclaim your identity following a divorce.
Feel the feelings. Allow yourself to sit with the feelings. A common mistake people make when going through a tough time like divorce is to throw themselves into something else as a way to avoid feeling the pain or to cope or move on. Here’s what you need to be wary of. Throwing yourself emphatically into anything while going through something that is potentially as traumatic as divorce is that you carry your hurt and pain into other situations. Because you've not given yourself the space to feel and heal.
Change your perspective - Maybe you have an identity you have created or come to own as a part of this union and now that identity has been shattered. Maybe you loved being a wife or being his wife, or maybe you loved being the one who organises activities for you all to experience as a family and now that identity is gone. It’s ok to let that identity crash and burn. When you keep holding on to the identity that once was it will prevent you from reaching out to what can now be.
Here’s what to do instead. Is there an aspect of that identity that can be salvaged? Is there a part of that identity that you can build upon? So if you lived organising activities for you all to attend as a family, and now you can no longer do so in the sense it existed, maybe now you can be a fantastic organiser for you and your kids or at the local church or in a community you belong to or at your child's school. Because although the setting has changed, who you are at the core doesn't have to change. Simply find a new setting that brings you joy.
Rediscover yourself - Being part of a couple can create an identity that was not truly you. Being uncoupled can leave you feeling lost and with little clue as to who you are without this person. So to rediscover yourself, think about who you were before you got married. Were you outgoing, fun, energetic or laid back? And so it's time to get reacquainted with yourself. Practice allowing who you are to come to life again without shutting it out. Start actively doing the things you love to do or are curious to explore without making excuses as to why you can’t. Beauty, this may be a hard one. This may trigger all kinds of emotions that you didn't know you could express. This may unearth your well of vulnerability and you may find yourself crying for no reason, being frustrated or lashing out. And if you find this is the case, as we said earlier, allow it and let your emotions find a healthy release.
Connect with communities and people that share your passions or are supportive - it's a healthy framework to connect with people that share your passions, having supportive people around when we're going through a transition is incredibly helpful. It makes the weight lighter and it helps you heal faster. One such community you can take advantage of is called meet up. There may be one local to you, with communities that share your passions and interests which you can connect with. You can also lean on supportive friends and family at this point.
Speaking of support, if you want 1:1 support to move past the pain and uncertainty and create a future you're excited about, see how I help with 1:1 support below.
Give yourself the gift of starting Over. Don't mistake starting over to mean starting from nothing. At this stage of your life, you have a wealth of experience with which you can use to start this next phase of your life. This time you get the opportunity to start over on your own terms and create this next phase of your life exactly how you want it. Maybe we use a more appropriate term, build upon. This time you get the opportunity to build upon your experiences on your own terms and create this next phase of your life exactly how you want it. One step at a time.
Following on from that the next is boundaries. Let’s talk boundaries. Be careful who you let into your space, who you give access to be in your company and speak into your life. Be Ok with saying no. Self care is knowing when to say yes and making it OK to say no thank you or no not this time. Healthy choices is not putting other people’s welfare above your own. Your boundaries are a statement of who you are and how you expect people to treat you.
To a new you that positively surprises you ♥
Do you have goals and dreams you want to achieve? By becoming the best version of yourself and achieving the success you desire, together we can change the narrative of women. Coaching can help. Book your no-fee discovery call to find out how. You have everything to gain